On Losing Bruce
This is the one where I talk about how I lost my best little buddy.
Trigger warning up front here: pet loss and graphic medical descriptions
This is one of those things I knew would happen eventually, but I tried to tuck it away in the back of my mind any time it came up. There’s no reason to mince words - I lost my little buddy Bruce Wayne at the end of last year on Christmas and in a truly horrifying way.
I don’t want to focus too much on the end, but just to maybe explain why I haven’t been on social media much or got behind on the newsletter. Honestly writing all this out is just therapeutic for me
Bruce wanted to be on my lap any time he could. He made an excellent drawing support. 2022
So here’s what happened. We were all sitting around watching tv when he started having bad stomach issues all over the place and yowling at the top of his lungs. Obviously we were extremely concerned and kept him in my office away from the other cats so he could rest also he had no control over his bowels. I’m going to try and not make anybody sick with this but also I don’t want to dance around the reality of it because this piece is also for me and my own processing.
Anyway, after a vet visit which just gave me some probiotics and sent me along things just didn’t get better, and only got worse. Eventually he wasn’t eating, and was still having massive intestinal issues and was clearly in a lot of pain. I got him into another vet on Monday and they kept him for 2 days and $900 later they sent him home on the 23rd saying he should improve and is doing better and off we went. We had a couple of nights with him, for which I’m incredibly grateful, and then after getting home from my parents’ house on Christmas day, we found him catatonic and crying out in pain. I’d been noticing him be especially unsteady and having some head tremors, but I chalked that up eating almost nothing.
He was a little snuggle buddy almost every night 2021
After what felt like hours we knew we couldn’t do anything and tried to let him rest. There was no where to go, it was Christmas. We knew if he made it through the night we needed to get him out of misery as fast as possible. It was excruciating. I wish I could say he passed in his sleep and pain free, but that’s just not what happened.
This was honestly one of the most traumatic things Ennis and I have ever gone through. I know for me it trumps everything else quite a bit. Writing it all out, slowly, with lots of breaks, has helped me process it all a bit. I don’t really expect anyone to read this, but if you have, I hope nothing like this ever happens to you or your pets. Give them an extra treat or belly rub as often as you can, because one day you’ll have held them for the last time. You’ll hear them coming up the stairs with a toy for you for the last time. You’ll wake up with them pressed close to your chest for the last time. Just appreciate them.
Bruce had 12 solid years of incredible health, which brings me a lot of comfort. He was incredibly gregarious with people coming over and was a very gentle and patient little soul. He let my young relatives pet him and when we found 2 kittens this past Summer he bathed them and cuddled them and was gentle with them even when they kept playing with his tail. I’ll miss him enormously and still when I’m in the shower I’ll think I’ll hear him outside the bathroom meowing loudly for me. It’s hard to overstate how much impact a pet can have on your life and I’m forever thankful that I had the chance to be his guardian and companion while he was on this side of the rainbow. I hope I did enough. I’ll miss you little buddy.
-Matt
Here are 24 self indulgent images that make me feel close to my buddy. In no specific order.
Left to right
The strongest head boops Charleston2022
Cuddlebuddy Baltimore 2021
Drawing support. Charleston 2022
Always has been incredibly vocal. loud boy. Baltimore 2021
He loved resting his head on my chair and napping on my lap, Baltimore 2020
More headboops, Baltimore 2020
Christmas gentleman, Baltimore 2021
Tummy in the sun, Baltimore 2021
Santa Cat, College Park 2018
He always loved sitting on my hand and getting carried around. Chincoteague, 2015
On my lap. Start of my illustration journey.College Park (first time) 2012
Big boy College Park (first time) 2014
Concerned after I got out of the shower. Chincoteague, 2017
Still just a little guy. College park (first time) 2012
At the bar with Ennis. College park (first time) 2014
Sleeping on my desk. College park (first time) 2013
Electric blanket. College park (first time) 2015
Sleeping on my chest, as always. College Park (first time) 2014
Just moved to Chincoteague 2017
Relaxing on the couch. Chincoteague 2016
In my cold studio. Chincoteague 2015
Looking out at ponies. Chincoteague 2015
Just moved to Baltimore 2018
Recently Adopted in my first apartment on my own. 2010
On Acrylic: One Year In
It’s almost impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that I just started seriously using acrylic paint only a year ago. Now, that is somewhat disingenuous - I have used non-wetting paints relatively extensively, ie. acryla gouache. There is an important distinction, though, because you’re not going to paint something huge with acryla gouache….at least I’m not going to. Those little tubes are expensive! Plus, they’re much more suited to working on paper than something like canvas - wood panels work ok with them though. There’s just something about heavy body, or even fluid acrylics that is just different to me. I think it comes down to a simple mindset shift - that I’m a fine artist. I know it sounds kind of dumb, but labels for me have been really important. When I was in high school, I knew that I had some kind of urge to make things, but I simply didn’t have the vocabulary to articulate what that meant or what I would have to be to do that. I went with Graphic Design initially, partially to convince my parents I could make money with it (lol.lmao.) but the design thing never really panned out for me. At the time at least I just followed the motions and got the degree while secretly painting and taking illustration and printmaking classes - absolutely loving every moment of those classes.
There was an experience I had as a teenager where I received one of those ‘art kits’ with all the different kinds of art supplies in a wooden case and of course I tried out all of them - colored pencils, markers, etc. The acrylic paints though, made me so frustrated! I see now that there is a possibility that painting outside in a shed (“too messy to use in the house” - My Mom, probably right) and also in the middle of summer and also with no water at all… So the paint started drying on the brush and the little plastic palette and I tried painting some kind of ogre or something but got really mad and quit. That experience in that afternoon then shaped my perception of my abilities and what I was allowed to do in my head for the next 15 years. That I wasn’t good at acrylics, don’t even try, it’s just not your thing. For 15 years. This is, of course, absolutely idiotic. For whatever reason I just internalized this belief and continued on with it as truth. It’s a funny thing for the human brain to do - just assume things about yourself so much that you don’t even realize you believe them. Part of my untangling of faith and my upbringing and my own identity has been to question myself and really try to interrogate why I believe and do certain things. It’s a tough exercise but ultimately something I think more people should take a crack at - because you can arrive at some really huge monoliths of belief that you just do not agree with anymore. Like not being allowed to use acrylic paints or be a fine artist. It’s sounds silly, but that self-reflection has led to a myriad of revelations about me that have made me so much more comfortable and at home with myself.
This is all the long way around to saying essentially - question yourself. Are there things you do or believe that are just on auto pilot? Some stuff you investigate and discover new things to love about something you already really loved.
Last month Michael’s (the craft store) put all their canvases on sale for 70% off. I bought 10 - the biggest being almost 3 feet by 4 feet. I love painting and took the opportunity to try out not just painting small little panels, but big canvases. I haven’t finished all of them yet, but I’m having a great time. When you learn a little more about how to do something, it turns out it’s not as hard as you thought and might be what you should have been doing all along.
-Matt
I painted a box with random doodles on it - last year around this time
I painted a little dragon - I ended up somehow selling this little guy. I still can’t believe it.
I’ve sold a few works and when someone really genuinely loves a piece and is able to get it - that’s the good stuff. Really helps me get back to work and keep going.
September Dispatch Art | Hard to Hide It
Process for this month’s Dispatch art: “Hard to Hide It'“
I did my best to record things as I painted this, but honestly it was one of those that just came all in a rush of Flow and I knocked it out in one sitting. It’s hard for me to remember to record and make content while I’m in the painting flow. It seems like it’s pretty easy for some folks, but I’ve always struggled with it. I made a short process video you can view below if you’d like. Youtube lets you add their royalty free music after the fact and I think it’s very funny - feel free to mute. I should have taken photos throughout as well so there would be something to post here, so I’ll keep that in mind for next time.
The through process for this one was around the idea of this tension around wanting to show people what you’re doing but being genuinely scared about it. These days it really feels like unless you’re willing to put your face on everything you’re destined to just fade into the background. Intellectually, I know that’s not true, but it’s hard to keep it out of my head while I’m painting.
I don’t know if people actually prefer to see artists doing little lip-syncing skits or comedy bits or spinning around with their art or not. I have to be honest; it makes me terrified. On the one hand, I think “who cares what people think” and on the other “it would be really hard for me to get negative comments out of my head”. I’m really doing my best to balance it all, but folks, it’s really tough out there. If there’s an artist you really care about, go the extra little bit and do all the stuff to their posts - like, comment, share, etc. Even if you don’t do it for me, do it for somebody out there. But yeah, I want to show my stuff to as many people as possible just so if they can have the chance to get something out of it. I’m absolutely in the minority, but I think most people aren’t as good at comedic acting as they think they are and it shows.
I really care about the people who buy and engage with my stuff, and I hope I’m doing enough to show them. Doing these table events all Summer has really given me a lot of creative energy - actually talking to people and seeing what they respond to is just incredible. If I’ve seen you out there, just from the bottom of my heart - thanks! It’s not even selling stuff, which is nice, but just getting a genuine reaction out of the work and seeing the type of people who are drawn to it is just pure magic. When I’m having a hard time, I try to remember how it felt when someone was walking past my stuff and had a ‘hold on a second’ moment and came back to look things over. It’s really tough for anything online to come close to that kind of thing, but there’s been some super nice comments in the past that have just put me over the moon.
I hope I don’t come off as whiney, it’s just what’s on my mind lately. Finding that balance of sharing enough, but also making time for making work and all the other responsibilities I’ve got. How do you manage it? I’m open to any and all tricks because if there’s one thing I can’t get enough of it’s getting better at stuff.
If you made it this far, I really appreciate it! I’m just figuring things out in real time here and doing my absolute best to connect with the people on a really genuine level who take the time to stop by. So thanks! Until next time.
-Matt
August Dispatch Art - Mail Frog
My monthly dispatch to people who want to know what’s going on with me and my art practice
Hello out there, little mushlings!
I wanted to do a post where I talk some about the art for this month’s newsletter - and I guess a kind of meta-analysis of where I’m coming from with it and what I intend to do.
I hope you’re all out there having a great Summer so far! Here in WV it seems like it’s rained every other day. Honestly it’s rained more than it feels like it ever has in my life, but I like the rain. Unfortunately my tomatoes got some black spot fungi on them and I don’t know if they’ll produce more than a couple from all the leaves falling off. Apparently when it rains a lot the dirt splashes up and the fungi that live in the dirt start doing their thing on the leaves, except they’re still living and not just lying on the ground. A fickle beast, that fungi.
We planted tomatoes, purple hulled peas, cayenne peppers, poblano peppers, and a couple butternut squash plants. It’s the first time I’ve really had a garden just for myself and it’s been really nice to go up and see it every day or so.
Your eyes do not deceive you, that tomato weighs over 2 pounds! It was also extremely delicious (had to ripen in the window for a couple days after this)
Anyhow, I painted this image a month or so ago and with all the shows this month and different things happening I just never got the newsletter launched. I really wanted to get it done for August though, so I can get into a rhythm with it.
There are a few reasons I really have been wanting to do the newsletter/blog combo every month and I’m really excited about it! I think it’s going to be great. For one - it’s a prompt every month with a deadline, something that will force me to sit down and get something done for it, prep the email, write, etc. All of that is very easy to push off and kick the can and wait until later - but that just keeps moving further out and it doesn’t get done. The other reason is really just that, well, social media is just the pits lately. I mean more the pits than usual haha it’s harder than ever to just get people to actually see the work I’m doing and places I’ll be and everything and this is just a direct line to whoever wants it. Once a month I’ll let you know what I’m up to, and there’s nothing they can do to stop me! Another kind of meta-reason is that there just isn’t that many words on my website, and the data for the search engines kind of need words to associate you with stuff. Like me saying in this sentence that I paint fantastical little frogs delivering mail in gouache makes it more likely people looking for that kind of thing will stumble across me. A broad net, but everything helps!
Anyway, on to the art!
I took a couple of stabs at different creatures and eventually settled on a frog. I don’t know why, but all I want to draw are frogs this year. Just little guys. Obviously it’s been a little bit since I was originally going with ‘Spring News’. This follows how I make almost everything these days - the only thing missing is the original sketchbook doodle that I actually gave to someone when they bought a piece at my table. They just really liked it! I usually will work something out digitally and when I’m happy with the general elements I’ll start messing around with paints and crayons and pencils. Kind of like a sculpture needs an armature, if I have a solid drawing to work from I’m off to the races, usually. I’ve been really wanting to do more abstract backgrounds that I actually find interesting to look at this year - I’ve tried solid blocks of color and that’s just too boring, and when I try to put them in a whole scene I just get too lost in the details. Plus, as an illustration it just needs to get the point across and everything else is kind of a distraction. Frog delivering mail - in and out haha saves me a lot of frustration as well.
I think this is the general timbre of what I want blog posts to be for me, more or less. A long form way to just talk to people who want to listen, I guess. What’s going on with me, how I’m making stuff, where I’m at, etc. I’ve got another type of post I’m planning to do where I’m doing more of a tutorial type of thing, focusing on technique or thought process with my art practice.
I’m off to make sure this newsletter isn’t a complete disaster, then on to more painting! Bye y’all!
That's right, I'm doin' it!
I’m starting a blog and no one can stop me.
Well, well, well, how the turn tables. Skulking back to the blogosphere once again, tail between your legs from being whooped by the Algorithm.
That’s right, I’m doing a blog! >:D and you can’t stop me! I OWN this website, baby! I can do whatever I want!
I can even put in this gif of Chet from Weird Science in here if I want and be all cropped. Absolute madness.
For real though, I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, even if just for myself. I do like to write, you know. I had a really good English teacher in highschool and honestly the problem for me isn’t writing, it’s knowing when to stop writing. I got diagnosed with ADHD this past year and honestly it has made a lot of things make sense.
“So what are we going to do here? Just ramble about whatever? ”
No, no, I’ve got a plan! I’ve been doing this a while, so I feel like my technical knowledge could genuinely help someone if they happened across a little writeup or maybe my friends will get a kick out of it. I cook a lot, and I’d like to get paid to illustrate food - so I can use my graphic design skills I went to all that trouble for to design a little recipe page with my own words and pictures. How nice. It might be other stuff too, but I haven’t figured that out yet. Nonetheless, I’m going to just leave the comments on here and feel free to say hi or whatever!
omg I can even put in a little drawing if i want
YO I can even put playlists here this is amazing. This is the playlist I’ve put on every Sept. 1 for the past like 3 or 4 years - it’s just a bunch (75 hours!) of albums that scream FALL VIBES to me. I used to want to go in and edit it down, but honestly hearing some B sides you forget about has been nice.